Posted by HellPope Huey on 11/05/05 02:31

Quote from bash.org

<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and talks to me
for long enough comes to terms with the fact that I am a very sick,
twisted person. Also factor in a few mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer
connection, and boredom and you get what might be the funniest
combination imaginable.

I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin, REO
Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I realized that
it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were to change "Keep on
Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as within minutes this file got
50 downloads. I was astounded.

Then the Tom got an idea.

An awful idea.

The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.

What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick
pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.

The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating cake." I
sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download. Success, the first
download came. Then the second. Then the third. This baby was
steamrolling down the information super highway like a trucker with a
hardon that has 2 miles left to the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I
was getting twenty downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine
that in the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging
themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow, one-hundred
thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led Zeppelin performing
"Dazed and Confused" in front of a live audience? At this point, I had
no choice but to continue.

The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the lawn
naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any downloads. Alas,
I was wrong. It got a download. Then two. Then thirty. In the end,
seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow
the lawn stark naked. She's not even that hot. Rather then get their
lawn-mowing beauty, they got the song "Ozone baby."

For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding" into the
more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could say I was kidding
when this thing was downloaded one hundred eighty seven times. I guess
there is something about horses and elephants showing their cocks that
bring out the best in people. I nearly died of laughter at this point.
"How can nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're
ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this as a
mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol, hopefully
distracting them long enough to forget that masturbating to horse and
elephant genitalia are not really something their mothers would be proud of.

I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo Sex." Short
and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from amusing.........myself.....
"Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a common scenario, and surely not a
scenario that would arouse many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know
nothing about the human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED
TWENTY TWO PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo
table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year old addle
brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double check. My eyes had to
be lying to my brain. My penis had shriveled to the size of a 2 day old
Wendys chicken nugget.

They asked for Grandma.

They got Joan Jett.

At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral inhaler to
keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl on girl toe insertion
(LEGAL)" was my next proud creation. Everyone likes 38 Special, so
everyone won't feel like such dumb-asses after downloading this footy
piece of crap. Never underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe
inserting itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi
hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred twelve people
wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.

At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged Baboon"
popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple factory." No way
in hell would this get many downloads. Who could possibly type in any or
all of those keywords? I guess people like seeing sweaty red-ass
baboons, nostrils flaring, banging their chests like Marky Mark in the
movie "Fear", having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces
baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look like. One
hundred seventy two people typed those magic words into Limewire, and
got a hot steaming pile of monkey love. Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a
man can dream, cant he?

This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment, however,
made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my pelvis. ...THREE
PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling, perverted, fudged up people,
wielding a box of Puffs Plus and a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care
Lotion, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a
vicious dump." How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take
one, for that matter?

Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce of
faith in humanity.

If I may quote Method:

"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."

--

HellPope Huey ~ www.subgenius.com
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker

A man never tells you anything
until you contradict him.
~ George Bernard Shaw

"About the only thing we do agree on
is Nature sucks."
~ "Everwood"

Fresh sonic vittles @:
http://www.beat-factory.net/hellpope/

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