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Posted by Mr.X on 10/18/75 11:32
>STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED
>
> SCRIPTT
>
>
>
> By Rod Hilton
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>FADE IN:
>
>
>
>EXT. SPACE
>
>
>
>Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
>
>chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
>
>generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
>
>MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> I can hardly tell who is shooting
>
> who in this dizzying space battle
>
> sequence!
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> No, I mean literally dizzying!
>
> (vomits)
>
>
>
>They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
>
>SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
>
>
>
>HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
>
>deactivate.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> The thing that powers the shield is
>
> on the outside of the ship?
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It'd be
>
> like a life support system being in
>
> a box on someone's chest.
>
>
>
>They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> I sure am enjoying the feeling of
>
> brotherly camaraderie between us.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
>
> sort of thing that should have been
>
> in the last film. Oh well, at least
>
> there were scenes of me rolling
>
> around in the grass.
>
>
>
>They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
>
>MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
>
>fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
>
>that ever happened. They find IAN.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> Help me! I am trapped in a
>
> comfortable chair overlooking all of
>
> the destruction I have wrought!
>
>
>
>Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.
>
>
>
> CHRISTOPHER LEE
>
> I have been waiting a long time for
>
> a rematch. Now, you will have to
>
> face a stunt double with my face
>
> pasted on!
>
>
>
>They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
>
>fights him and eventually KILLS him.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> (furrowing his brow)
>
> Wow, that was it for Christopher
>
> Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
>
> have killed Darth Maul and
>
> introduced him in the first place.
>
>
>
>HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
>
>CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
>
>SKELETON.
>
>
>
> GENERAL GREVIOUS
>
> (coughing)
>
> I will now add your lightsabers to
>
> my collection of Star Wars
>
> memorabilia.
>
>
>
>He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
>
>WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Artoo, freak the hell obnoxiously!
>
>
>
>He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
>
>his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
>
>OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
>
>SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
>
>
>
> GENERAL GREVIOUS
>
> (coughing and wheezing)
>
> I will run like a coward, further
>
> failing to illustrate how
>
> intimidating my character is meant
>
> to be!
>
>
>
>HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
>
>There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
>
>PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.
>
>
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
>
> (yawning)
>
> Hayden, I'm pregnant.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> (furrowing his brow)
>
> How can you be sure?
>
>
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
>
> Because in a minute or two I'll
>
> actually be showing. Really.
>
>
>
>We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving
>
>birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a
>
>single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
>
>passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
>
>while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN
>
>MCDIARMID.
>
>
>
>INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> You seem worried about Natalie
>
> dying. Also, you're confused about
>
> being a Jedi.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> (furrowing his brow)
>
> They don't want me to fuck Natalie
>
> Portman. That's insanity. Did you
>
> see her in Closer? Holy fuck.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> Did you know that those who embrace
>
> the Dark Side have a lot of powers
>
> that Jedi do not? For example, they
>
> can influence that midichlorian
>
> bullshit to create life.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Create life? Wait, are you implying
>
> that my supposed virgin birth was--
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> And they can stop others from
>
> dying.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Stop others? Like, if someone force
>
> chokes them and they start to die
>
> because of it hours later?
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> Yup.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> That's distracting enough that I'll
>
> not bother following up on the other
>
> thing you said.
>
>
>
>Meanwhile...
>
>
>
>EXT. KASHYYK
>
>
>
>YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
>
>scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
>
>scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
>
>WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
>
>characters from the original trilogy.
>
>
>
> CHEWBACCA
>
> Nyaaarrrgghh.
>
>
>
>EXT. UTAPAU
>
>
>
>EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
>
>UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
>
>
>
> IGUANA
>
> Shriek! Shriek!
>
>
>
>The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
>
>AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
>
>rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> I will attempt to destroy you now,
>
> without waiting for my support
>
> troops to arrive.
>
>
>
> GENERAL GREVIOUS
>
> (coughing)
>
> Are you serious? You've lost
>
> literally every single duel you've
>
> been a part of except for the one
>
> with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
>
> mentions how many times he has saved
>
> you. What have you done in the
>
> entire prequel trilogy so far to
>
> prove that you're actually a decent
>
> fighter?
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
>
> what's with the coughing, do droids
>
> get colds or something?
>
>
>
> GENERAL GREVIOUS
>
> (wheezing)
>
> Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
>
> droid. Check it out, I have an
>
> actual beating heart.
>
>
>
>EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
>
>fire.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> That made sense.
>
>
>
>INT. CORUSCANT
>
>
>
>HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING
>
>JACKSON
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Samuel, I rented the original Star
>
> Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
>
> pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
>
> Lord.
>
>
>
> SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
>
> Then it's time to get medieval on
>
> some ass.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Let me come with you.
>
>
>
> SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
>
> No, go your room.
>
>
>
>SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
>
>see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
>
>TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
>
>nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
>
>between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
>
>his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
>
>Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> How pathetic is it that the best
>
> acted scene between us is the one in
>
> which we are in separate buildings
>
> and have no lines?
>
>
>
>SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
>
>CHAMBER.
>
>
>
> SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
>
> Ian, you're under arrest for being
>
> a manipulative motherfucker.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
>
> threshold for the abuse I'll take.
>
> And right now I'm a race car and you
>
> got me in the red. I'm just saying
>
> that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
>
> a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
>
> could blow.
>
>
>
> SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
>
> Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> I could blow.
>
>
>
> SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
>
> Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
>
> motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
>
> time my fingers touch my lightsaber
>
> I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
>
> Navarone.
>
>
>
>Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
>
>JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
>
>his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
>
>too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his
>
>lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
>
>is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
>
>beaten. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
>
>
>
> SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
>
> Let me read to you from the book of
>
> Ezekiel for a--
>
>
>
>Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
>
>which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
>
>onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Wow, you really can absorb force
>
> lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
>
> really, really needs to tell Luke
>
> that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
>
> about to rip you a new one, mind
>
> telling how to save Natalie real
>
> quick?
>
>
>
> SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
>
> Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
>
> now.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> You can't. He must stand trial.
>
> Killing him now would be.. er, well
>
> it would be exactly the same as when
>
> I killed Christoper Lee in the
>
> beginning of the movie.
>
>
>
> SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
>
> You're actually right, but I'm
>
> going to kill him anyway.
>
>
>
>HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
>
>which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
>
>SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> What have I done?
>
> (pause)
>
> I submit myself to your will, Ian.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> That was fast. Well, now that you
>
> have taken a single, somewhat
>
> justifiable step toward the Dark
>
> Side, there's no turning back. Go
>
> kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
>
> including the children.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Right, go kill the children. Got it.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> Well, kill everyone, not just--
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> (leaving)
>
> On my way to kill all of the
>
> children now! Whee!
>
>
>
>He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
>
>while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
>
>undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
>
>
>
>EXT. UTAPAU
>
>
>
>IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
>
>TROOPERS.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> Execute order 66.
>
>
>
> CLONE TROOPER
>
> Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
>
> (to his troop)
>
> Alright men, shoot down the giant
>
> Iguana.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> Oh, and order 67.
>
>
>
> CLONE TROOPER
>
> Jedi, too. Got it.
>
>
>
>They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.
>
>
>
> CLONE TROOPER
>
> He's dead. Nobody could have
>
> survived that fall. Except a Jedi,
>
> of course.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Jesus, they've become really
>
> stupid. This movie really DOES
>
> bridge the gap between the original
>
> trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
>
>
>
>EXT. MYGEETO
>
>
>
>Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
>
>KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.
>
>
>
> KI-ADI-MUNDI
>
> Oh no, I'm being shot at less than
>
> when the Jedi had to fight all of
>
> the droids at the end of Attack of
>
> the Clones! Somehow, they are
>
> overpowering me, though!
>
> (dies)
>
>
>
>CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy.
>
>Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to MUSTAFAR to kill all of the
>
>separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is not one of them.
>
>
>
>INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT
>
>
>
>EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Natalie, do you know where Hayden
>
> is? I just saw some security
>
> recordings of the Jedi temple, and
>
> apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
>
> chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
>
> Or something. Anyway, he was killing
>
> children!
>
>
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
>
> Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain
>
> this notion and will dismiss your
>
> concerns outright. Hayden would
>
> never kill children!
>
> (pause)
>
> Oh, wait, unless they were
>
> sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
>
> But he's definitely not a murderer
>
> otherwise.
>
>
>
>EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
>
>
>
>EXT. MUSTAFAR
>
>
>
>NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.
>
>
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
>
> Hayden! I heard you've gone toward
>
> the dark side! It's not true, is it?
>
> Why are your eyes all red?
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> (furrowing his brow)
>
> You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
>
> actually act well and make me look
>
> wooden and awful!
>
>
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
>
> Of course not! I'm even worse than
>
> you in this movie, why would I bring
>
> someone capable of acting well here?
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> (comically)
>
> Liar!
>
>
>
>He chokes her.
>
>
>
> NATALIE PORTMAN
>
> (collapsing)
>
> Urk!
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
>
> choke you because I love you. Come
>
> back to me baby.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Hayden! I know you're not really
>
> evil - you try to look evil by
>
> glowering everywhere, but you really
>
> just wind up looking confused all
>
> the time! Come back to the Jedi
>
> order!
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> From my point of view, the Jedi are
>
> stupid! I mean, really stupid! They
>
> didn't know I was married to
>
> Natalie, which Ian figured out in
>
> seconds. They didn't know Ian was a
>
> Sith. They asked me to get close to
>
> him, knowing full well I am confused
>
> and that he's manipulative. God, the
>
> assassin from Attack of the Clones
>
> allegedly couldn't be sent by
>
> Christopher Lee because "it's not in
>
> his character." Face it, it's a
>
> miracle the Jedi survived this long.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Anti-Jedite!
>
>
>
>They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
>
>some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
>
>DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> It's over, Hayden. If you jump over
>
> to me, I will cut your shit off.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> You underestimate my power to
>
> decide not to jump to the low ground
>
> in front of you where I will be able
>
> to safely continue duelling, but to
>
> instead try to jump all the way over
>
> you and get my shit cut off!
>
>
>
>He JUMPS and gets SLICED AND DICED. Then COMPLETELY BURNED.
>
>
>
> HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Motherfucker!
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
>
> you are writhing in agony, I won't
>
> do the humane thing and put you out
>
> of your misery. You're the dick,
>
> though.
>
>
>
>He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> Take him back to Coruscant so we
>
> can put him in the big black life
>
> support suit that I just so happen
>
> to have laying around for just such
>
> an occasion.
>
>
>
>They DO.
>
>
>
>INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
>
>
>
>A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN.
>
>Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.
>
>
>
> JIMMY SMITS
>
> Jesus, not every scene needs some
>
> digital character in them. She's
>
> giving birth, can't we leave at
>
> least a FEW frames of the film free
>
> from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould
>
> have delivered the twins, that would
>
> be more dramatic.
>
>
>
> DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
>
> More what?
>
>
>
> MEDICAL DROID
>
> She's dying. She has given up the
>
> will to live.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Given up the will to live? She does
>
> know she has two brand new babies to
>
> live for, doesn't she?
>
>
>
>NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a
>
>completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
>
>than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
>
>watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
>
>DIES.
>
>
>
>INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
>
>
>
>YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
>
>
>
> JIMMY SMITS
>
> I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if
>
> you know about Leia, how come you
>
> refer to Luke as your last hope in
>
> Empire Strikes Back?
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> I know about Leia., but Alec
>
> Guiness doesn't.
>
>
>
> YODA
>
> Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
>
> justifying obvious dialogue blunders
>
> created by the fact that George
>
> Lucas didn't actually have all six
>
> films firmly in his mind when he was
>
> making any given one, I need to
>
> train you how to be a force ghost so
>
> you can explain to Luke how Vader
>
> killed his father.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Where should we keep him in the
>
> mean time?
>
>
>
> YODA
>
> Take him to his family on Tatooine.
>
>
>
> EWAN MCGREGOR
>
> Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
>
> from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
>
> allow him to keep the last name
>
> Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
>
> birth planet, and put him in the
>
> care of his actual relatives? It
>
> would take like an hour of research
>
> to track him down if the Empire
>
> wanted him.
>
>
>
> YODA
>
> Well, go watch over him from really
>
> far away to make sure he's safe.
>
>
>
>INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
>
>
>
>DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated
>
>upright.
>
>
>
> DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
>
> am worried about her again.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> It seems that in your overacting,
>
> you killed her.
>
>
>
> DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Wow, you'd think that would really
>
> make me see the error of the Dark
>
> Side, realize the Jedi were right
>
> all along, and kill you right now.
>
> Ah well.
>
>
>
> IAN MCDIARMID
>
> So, now that the movie is over,
>
> would you say that the prequel
>
> trilogy was worth making?
>
>
>
> DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
>
> Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
>
>
>
>END
>
>
>
>
>
>
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